You Tell Me to Kiss a Turian, I'll Ask Which Cheek
by MidnightWriter99
Summary: "Okay then. Kiss Garrus. Left cheek." Fill for Mass Effect Kink Meme. ME1, General crew shenanigans.


Written for the Mass Effect Kink Meme on LJ.

_Prompt:  
>Ashley: Tell me to jump, and I'll ask "how high". Tell me to kiss a turian, and I'll ask "what cheek".<em>  
><em>Shepard: Okay then. Kiss Garrus. Left cheek. <em>

_I'm not looking for smut or anything(if you want to include it and make it a big story, then I wouldn't object, whatever floats anons boat ;) ), I just really wish I could ask her to go kiss Garrus' cheek. Because WHO WOULD NOT ABUSE THAT? And I bet Garrus' reaction would be priceless, with Ash marching up to him to smooch him. Why Is This Not Already In My Life?_

**You Tell Me to Kiss a Turian, I'll Ask Which Cheek.**

Over the past few months, Shepard liked to think she'd gotten to know her crew (both human and alien) quite well. She knew a few of the human crew were still a bit nervous having alien crew members on board, but hell, even Presley had started to warm up to them by now.

So when she'd finally heard Ashley's confession about not trusting Garrus and Wrex aboard the ship and why, a lot of things started to make sense.

"_Do the two of you ever head upstairs?" Shepard folded her arms in front of the two aliens in her cargo hold._

"_You do far too much damage to the Mako for me to ever leave the cargo bay Shepard." Garrus told her, earning a booming laugh from Wrex. _

"_Seriously though," she continued, wiping the guilty look from her face. "You're allowed to go to other levels of the ship; even Tali and Liara come out of their hiding spots for most meals." _

"_Tali has her buddies in engineering to go with," Garrus shot a look at the Krogan across from him, "and I highly doubt Williams wants to see us more than she has too." _

"_That," Wrex added. "And we're a lot scarier looking than a Quarian and an Asari."_

_Shepard could have sworn that she saw Garrus roll his eyes at Wrex. "If you stopped trying to joke about eating humans around the crew, then maybe that wouldn't be the case."_

_Shepard let out a small laugh. "Really, Wrex?"_

_Wrex just shrugged at the two of them. "I think it's funny."_

"You're going to have to work with aliens. Like it or not."

Ashley nodded at her commanding officer. "It won't be a problem commander. Tell me to jump, and I'll ask "how high". Tell me to kiss a Turian, and I'll ask what cheek.

Shepard let a smirk cross her face. She didn't like to let potential learning opportunities pass her by, and Williams sure as hell needed one. "Okay then. Kiss Garrus. Left cheek."

Ashleys eyes widened. "Are you serious Commander?"

"Do I look like I'm joking Williams?" Shepard pressed. "Are you backing down from an order?"

Ashley's eyes narrowed at her commanding officer. "No ma'am."

Shepard watched, slightly shocked, as Ashley immediately turned and walked over to the other side of the cargo bay with a yell of "Garrus!" to get his attention, pulled his face down to hers, and planted a kiss on the left side of his face.

Garrus had a look of pure utter horror on his face (or what Shepard now assumed was how Turians expressed a look of complete mortification) as Ashley released him and stormed over to the elevator. "There, you ask me to kiss Wrex next Commander and I _will_ punch you out."

Wrex looked over at Shepard. "Human women don't find facial scars attractive?"

Shepard looked between Garrus (still frozen) and Wrex and promptly burst out laughing as the elevator door closed.

"How is that funny?" Garrus finally yelled at her. "What the fuck did you do, what the _fuck _just happened."

"Finally some entertainment! That's what happened." Wrex added in banging his hands together.

Shepard threw her hands up in front of her in defence. "I didn't think she'd actually do it!"

"I just-" Garrus tried to say. "I just can't – _what is wrong with you humans!"_

"Keelah, what is going on in here!" Tali called to them, coming around the corridor from engineering.

Shepard cast her a guilty look. "I think I just accidently took Garrus' alien kiss virginity."

"You _what?"_

* * *

><p>Ashley had been fuming mad with Shepard for a good four days now. She was angry with what Shepard had asked her to do and she was even madder with the fact that she'd allowed herself to be baited into doing it without thinking.<p>

She was too occupied with her own thoughts at the gunnery station, cleaning the assault rifles from the last mission, that she didn't notice Garrus approach her until he placed his sniper rifle down in the table next to her.

"Hey."

"Hey…" She replied. _Oh God, why is he here._

The Turian was silent for a few moments. "Sometimes, I think that Shepard is just a bit evil." He finally said.

"No shit." Ashley said, a smile creeping onto her face. "Sorry about, you know, getting up in your space. I'm surprise you didn't try to deck me."

Garrus looked at her confused. "'Deck you'?"

"Umm," Ashley looked upwards, thinking for a moment. "Punching me in the face. Basically."

Garrus just laughed. "I won't if you don't. Besides, I don't think Shepard would be happy if I broke her Gunnery Chief's face."

"Yeah right! I would totally break one of you scale things-"

"Plates." He corrected.

"_Plates, _before you could even get to my face."

* * *

><p>"Left leg <em>forward, <em>Williams."

"That makes no damn sense Garrus!"

"Do you want to learn or do you want to complain?"

Shepard couldn't quite believe has walked in on. Ashley and Garrus were trading hand to hand techniques and sparing in the middle of the cargo bay, Garrus was currently trying to get her stance correct for some way to do a kind of punch.

She'd only seen Garrus use hand to hand once when some of the more clever mercs had overloaded their guns. Williams was quite good, but Garrus was better. Turian military taught some good hand to hand skills.

"You the kind of woman who kisses a man then beats him up Williams?" Shepard called to her, arms folded, huge smirk plastered across her face.

The two of them turned to her, more than unamused. "Is that a challenge Commander?" Ashley asked moving towards Shepard, she sure as hell hoped it was.

"I think so." Shepard replied, stretching her arms out in front of her and taking a fighting stance in front of her two team mates. "But only if it's against both of you."

"Commander." Garrus looked at her suspiciously. "Between the two of us, you will be out cold in a minute."

The smile she gave him in response was just unnerving. "Come on you two. Make me believe that."

She watched as Ashley and Garrus looked at each other, shrugged and moved against her. Shepard let out a small laugh when she heard Wrex yell to Garrus that he was going to regret saying that.

Ashley moved forward quickly first, aiming for a blow to Shepard's sternum. Shepard grabbed her forearm, using Ashley's momentum against her, and brought up her other hand (glowing with biotics) to block Garrus' impending blow to her side and proceeded to propel Ashley around in a circular motion, sending her flying back into Garrus. They both looked a bit stunned.

"What? You think that 'N7' logo on my armour is there because I think it's pretty?" Shepard said to them in the most patronizing voice she could muster. "I'm not that kind of girl."

It took the two of them almost forty minutes before they were finally working together in a way that could take Shepard down. This had left Ashley with a huge bruise appearing below her left eye and Garrus with a splitting headache after Shepard had head-butted him when he'd gotten too close. She was sporting a nice cut on her forehead and bruise from that one as well.

"Ok." Garrus said to Ashley in a low voice. "You got it this time?"

She simply nodded in return and they moved to hit Shepard again. Garrus moved first, making sure she was busy blocking his attacks with her hands. When he saw Ashley move from the corner of his eye, he secured the lower half of her arms with his own, stopping her biotics, and threw her backwards as Ashley knocked her legs from under her.

Shepard hit the hard floor of the cargo back with a loud thud, air rushing out of her lungs. "Ok." She groaned. "Here endeth the lesson."

"What?" Ashley breathed out heavily, steading herself on one of the metal pillars in the bay.

"Think about it Williams." Shepard said to her as she took Garrus' hand and pulled herself from the floor. "Four days ago would you have worked with Garrus to do that? Would you have started to talk, learn hand to hand from one another?"

Ashley looked a bit surprised for a minute. The afternoon had gone so damn fast she had forgotten about all the bullshit weighing her down for the past few days, a lot of things that had been weighing on her for a long time. "No Commander.""

"Your methods are questionable Shepard." Garrus said, mandibles flaring in amusement.

She gave him a grin back. "Opportunities arise, sometimes I take them."

"Ok!" Ashley cut in, "I have had enough of all this for today!"

"I agree." Shepard replied, rubbing the back on her neck. "You two are monsters."

"It's almost shift changeover and dinner anyway." Ashley said, starting to make her way to the elevator.

"I think I'll be grabbing some pain killers for Chakwas first though." Shepard said, starting to walk over to join her team mate.

"Well are you coming?" Ashley turned back around to Garrus standing on the bay where Shepard had left him.

"Sure." Garrus replied, mandibles widening into a 'smile' "Doctor Chakwas has those dextro' pain killers as well right? Damn you have a hard head Shepard."

"Are you serious?" Shepard shot back. "Your head is like a giant fucking _rock_!"

"Turian plates are hard, who would have thought." He said back sarcastically. "Humans are meant to be…squishy?"

"Squishy?" Ashley raised her eyebrow at him. "You need some more descriptive words in your vocab, Vakarian."

Shepard shook her head at them. "You coming up with us Wrex?"

"I'll help you convince the crew you want to eat them for desert?" Ashley called out from beside her.

Shepard looked at her partially injured teammates and then to Wrex who had taken up Ashley's offer, and decided that Turian kissing wasn't such a bad team building exercise.


End file.
